Wednesday, August 26, 2015

Rainy Days

We've had a string of rainy, cool days. I'm missing my mom. Rainy days are hard, and I'm sure snowy days will be harder. 




Time marches on as it always does and mom isn't coming back. That thing that happened isn't a bad dream. I am not immune to tragedy. 



Mom, being the Scot that she was, always loved a misty, rainy day. I do, too - that Scottish blood, you know. But it was always best when I had her here, sharing a book and a deep conversation, a cup of tea or a glass of wine. 




Mom. Where are you. We had such plans for this summer. 

Monday, August 10, 2015

Turning Corners

The weather has definitely turned a corner in the past week. The air is drier, crisper and so are the plants. Potted plants are starting to get overgrown and straggly, waiting for the time I will trim them back, or replace them in early fall.  Some of my ferns and bleeding hearts have given up entirely. 

The sun is rising later and it's just beginning to get light out when I rise at 5:45 most mornings. It puts me in mind of one thing - school. 

School starts in four weeks and that means a couple of things. Henry starts junior kindergarten this year, and I'll be spending another year supply teaching. Unlike what's around the corner of the weather turning, I don't know what's around this particular corner. I have hopes and dreams for both Henry and myself. It's going to be an interesting fall. 


Thursday, June 4, 2015

Forty

Today I kayaked up the river joining Maple and Martin lakes.  I crossed two beaver dams, portaged around a waterfall and eventually turned back when I came to a set of small rapids.  My goal had been to make those rapids - which I had seen while snowshoeing through the woods.  Next time, I'll cross them and go farther. 








Friday, May 8, 2015

The Greening



The air is full of just budded, misty green leaves.  

Spring peepers fill the marshy spots with their incessant ringing.

Scents come alive and drift into memories. First loves and lost loves. Places we've left behind.

The smell of my toddler's neck slicked with humid curls. 

The sight of my four-year old's excitement over a newly sprouted plant.


Spring holds all of these things.

Tuesday, April 21, 2015

ICE OUT!

And just like that, the ice is out.  



It went out yesterday while the rain lashed and the wind howled. When I woke up, there was about a third of the ice left. The wind had jammed it hard up against our shore. 

It was completely gone when I got home at 3:30. When Henry noticed, he shouted, jumped, danced, and hugged with joy. "We have WATER, mommy!"

I am equally thrilled. After a long, difficult winter, it's good to see warmer, easier days coming. 

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Tough Going

I hadn't snowshoed since my mom died until today. 

My sister in law, Leanne and I went out earlier today for a hike, and it was tough going. I've never worked so hard at snowshoeing. Since I haven't  been out, there were no trails and no base. We tried to walk on snowmobile tracks, but even that didn't help so much.  

We went across the field, and through the  swamp. It was deep. So deep. We made it to the place where I usually enter the woods to go up to the first beaver pond, but the snow was just too deep. Absolutely impassable. We turned back, hiking along our path through the swamp. I wasn't done, though. I NEEDED more time alone, more time in the woods. 

I set off for a short hike through the woods, and down to the lower field. 

Sometimes the hardest things we do are the most important. The hardest things to say, feel or do physically. Sometimes we need to push through to the other side. Today I needed physical exertion and silence. I needed to get back outside, where I haven't been since my mom died. I feel everything when I'm alone. I needed to face this today.  I'm glad I stuck it out, but it was tough going. 



Tuesday, March 3, 2015

Bittersweet





Dear Mom, 

Tomorrow Henry turns four. FOUR. I can't believe how quickly the time has passed. 

I am really struggling today. Tomorrow is the first "event" I've had to go through without you. I've planned just a small party- but it's still plenty of organizing and baking that I need to do, and to be honest, I'm having a hard time putting my whole heart in to it. 

I am hurting terribly thinking of how much Henry adores you and how his memories of you are soon going to start to fade. He talks about you, and he knows you are dead, but I don't know that he really understands it yet.  He asked me yesterday when we were in the spare bedroom if we were getting it ready for Granny to come and visit.  We actually have many moments like this, and they are sad, but not devastating.  I like that you are still close in his mind.

Well-intentioned people will tell me that "it's okay, you will keep your mom's memory alive through your stories", and yes, of course we will do that, but these words are not comforting to me. 

I want to scream, "IT'S NOT THE SAME". It's not the same, and it never will be. You will never have a living, breathing relationship with Henry ever again, and that hurts me. I know it hurts you, too. I can feel it and I will carry that with me forever. 

Mom, today, tomorrow and for the rest of my life I hold you close to my heart and I will miss you every second of every day. 

Love, 

Kristine